my questions concern the subject poetry
is whatever runs out/ whatever digs my guts
til there’s no space in myself
cryin wont help/ callin mama wont help
lovers are detours/ no way to assuage this
poem/ but in the words & they are deceitful
images beat me confuse me/ make me want all of you to share me/
& i hide under my bed/

poetry is unavoidable connection/
some people get married/ others join the Church
i carry notebooks/ so i can tell us what happened/
midnight snacks in bed with whoever/ are no compensation/ when i’m listening to multitudes of voices/
i consume yr every word & move/

durin the day you are initiated into the holy order
of prospective poems/ i dream in yr voice/ sometimes act
yr fantasies/ i’ve made them my own/
whatever is here/ is what you’ve given me/
if it’s not enough for you/
give me some more

'inquiry'
-Ntozake Shange (via scribalcorruption)
have i ever even smiled in one of these? i’m feeling so great today! i recovered from my strep immediately on thursday after a day of lots of garlic, ginger, & apple cider vinegar gargles (i cannot recommend acv gargles enuf for a sore throat).
today i went to the giant library in san francisco & it was a dream! i am going to read SO many books cuz i only work for 4 hours a day & what else is there to do? my dad’s friend & his family took me out to v. expensive lunch with sushi & a hibachi grill so i have leftovers from that & then we went to a v. expensive bakery & he bought me an apple turnover that i’ll eat for breakfast someday & then i went to an antioch college reunion & met a ton of alums & ate more food & drank mead like beowulf & drank wine & had a lovely lovely time. i am so happy about free things.
tomorrow an okc boy is cooking dinner for me so more free food & i’m visiting tatiana in berkeley & monday greta & i are going to hike twin peaks & tuesday greta & i are gonna go see waxahatchee & title fight & hop along in oakland & all the wonderful things are happening!

have i ever even smiled in one of these? i’m feeling so great today! i recovered from my strep immediately on thursday after a day of lots of garlic, ginger, & apple cider vinegar gargles (i cannot recommend acv gargles enuf for a sore throat).

today i went to the giant library in san francisco & it was a dream! i am going to read SO many books cuz i only work for 4 hours a day & what else is there to do? my dad’s friend & his family took me out to v. expensive lunch with sushi & a hibachi grill so i have leftovers from that & then we went to a v. expensive bakery & he bought me an apple turnover that i’ll eat for breakfast someday & then i went to an antioch college reunion & met a ton of alums & ate more food & drank mead like beowulf & drank wine & had a lovely lovely time. i am so happy about free things.

tomorrow an okc boy is cooking dinner for me so more free food & i’m visiting tatiana in berkeley & monday greta & i are going to hike twin peaks & tuesday greta & i are gonna go see waxahatchee & title fight & hop along in oakland & all the wonderful things are happening!

We all wanted that high school sweetheart
We wanted to be young and white in the fifties with meatloafs and sock hops
and lawns so perfect they looked like Clark Gable was kissing them

We wanted to be thirteen and alive and meet a girl that was thirteen and alive
and walk with her past the grandstands
to sit and hold hands with to sit and kiss with to sit and sit with like it was something that you’d have missed but that never was

We once wanted to be poor but not too poor
connecting this country like Kerouac and thumbs
pulling small town waitresses in the back seats and trailer park homes
where the two of you would find passion expanding
between the locking of your bones
until morning would come to find you out on the road
with your pockets empty except for your hands
but your hands they’d be overflowing with your soul
but that’s not what happened

We once went to bed like between the bed sheets were the valley where dinosaurs still breathed
and how we would capture these
triceratops and brontosauruses
but even he was opened up with the smoke that rose out of the homes and the corners that we once climbed through,
with the streets and the footballs which we once threw,
the school desks upon which we once drew,
the windows that sat open through we once flew,
before the outside world of parking spaces and dead friends came flooding on in
and we forgot what we wanted
and we became what we become: waitresses and bartenders, city employees and temp positions, we are junkies and one kiss poems and we cry the stars
as we write our scars onto dumpsters
and electric boxes
because the only thing that we can hear is our hearts
and the only ones listening are the streets
to the blood that breathes through the letters we leave
and we dream that we try to rise ourselves up out of these burning buildings
but instead get buried somewhere beneath
because I know my life is like some high school kid’s notebook
that kid that shuffles back and forth between school and home
stacking the letters and the pictures
too close for anyone outside of his own imagination to read
because it’s through the ink that his heart beats
that his heart breathes

And we all just wanted to just wanted to write these notes:
check if you like me check if you don’t
check if you’ll date me check if you won’t
because we all wanted the love songs to be true
and did love dinosaurs once
and we wanted the stars
to hold our hands to lick the teeth to fuck us
but they end up fucking us

So let your smile twist
like my heart dancing precariously on the edge of my finger tips
staining them as that same high school kid
licking his thoughts using his sharpie tip
writing:
I WAS HERE
I was here motherfucker
and ain’t none of y’all can write that in the spot that I just wrote it in
I am here motherfucker
and we all here motherfucker
and we all motherfuckers motherfucker
because every breath I give brings me a second closer
to the day that my mother may die
and every breath I take takes me a second further
from the moment she caught my father’s eye
because every word I carry is another stone to put into place
in the foundation that I’m building to erase the days
and help erase something I never saw:
what all of us wanted and what none of us got
what we all had and have and what we all forgot
that we all wanted to be something
that we all became something
and it might not be the shit what we once thought it’d be when we were kids
but something is still something
and like some cats say
something’s better then nothing
feet are smarter than an engine
and dreams are stronger than thighs
and questions are the only answers we need
to have to know that we’re still as alive as the time when I held the mind of a child
asking why is 2 + 3 always equal to 5?
Where do people go when they die?
What made the beauty of the moon? And the beauty of the sea?
Did that beauty make you did that beauty make me?
Will it make me something?
Will I be something
Am I something?
And the answer comes:

I already am
I always was

and I still have time to be.

Anis Mojgani, “Here Am I” (via hiddenshores)

I THOUGHT OF ALL MY FRIENDS FROM ONE END OF THE COUNTRY TO THE OTHER AND HOW THEY WERE REALLY ALL IN THE SAME VAST BACKYARD DOING SOMETHING SO FRANTIC AND RUSHING-ABOUT

hi i’ve never felt so sick in my life. i have strep & i’ve been taking medicine for days & days & days & i’m not feeling better. i’m sunburned. or just red. i don’t know. i started working this week & it’s so fucking hard because i’m so fucking sick. i ride the bus home from work at 6:15 & then get home at 6:45 & make some soup & do some internet things & then sleep at 8:30 & then wake up at 8:30 & this has been my life. also i’ve become super teary & maybe it’s my birth control or something but seeing all these lil kids running around rly makes me wish i were a lil kid running around who could go to the nurse’s office bcuz i’m sick & then my mom could come pick me up & make me soup & watch movies with me all day. also seeing the moms pick their lil kids up from school just makes me miss my mama a lot cuz she rly is my best friend probably.
after i’m done being sick i think i’ll be pretty good at this job & this living in a city thing. the people i work with are so so so cool & the kids are also rly cool. i found all the cheap produce markets & also boys on okc who give me free meals. LOL.
this blog was never a personal blog until i went to college & now that’s all it is. i don’t know. 
i went to city lights today & read some poems & i feel like this is a thing i’ll do when i’m not sick because it’s pretty exhausting - everything is pretty exhausting right now.

hi i’ve never felt so sick in my life. i have strep & i’ve been taking medicine for days & days & days & i’m not feeling better. i’m sunburned. or just red. i don’t know. i started working this week & it’s so fucking hard because i’m so fucking sick. i ride the bus home from work at 6:15 & then get home at 6:45 & make some soup & do some internet things & then sleep at 8:30 & then wake up at 8:30 & this has been my life. also i’ve become super teary & maybe it’s my birth control or something but seeing all these lil kids running around rly makes me wish i were a lil kid running around who could go to the nurse’s office bcuz i’m sick & then my mom could come pick me up & make me soup & watch movies with me all day. also seeing the moms pick their lil kids up from school just makes me miss my mama a lot cuz she rly is my best friend probably.

after i’m done being sick i think i’ll be pretty good at this job & this living in a city thing. the people i work with are so so so cool & the kids are also rly cool. i found all the cheap produce markets & also boys on okc who give me free meals. LOL.

this blog was never a personal blog until i went to college & now that’s all it is. i don’t know. 

i went to city lights today & read some poems & i feel like this is a thing i’ll do when i’m not sick because it’s pretty exhausting - everything is pretty exhausting right now.

i now live in a beautiful sunshiney room in beautiful sometimes sunshiney california

!!!!!!

i now live in a beautiful sunshiney room in beautiful sometimes sunshiney california

!!!!!!

i guess i’ll be in california in less than 24 hours. 

resting on my dog in the sunlighti’m listening to a lot of rilo kiley & i’m flying to san francisco the day after tomorrow & i’ve only been home for like two days. transient mode is real. i’m excited to go somewhere new & i’m excited to miss my friends but i’m excited to return to ohio in july for the summer & friends & slacklines & camping & traveling.

resting on my dog in the sunlight

i’m listening to a lot of rilo kiley & i’m flying to san francisco the day after tomorrow & i’ve only been home for like two days. transient mode is real. i’m excited to go somewhere new & i’m excited to miss my friends but i’m excited to return to ohio in july for the summer & friends & slacklines & camping & traveling.